The Clusterfuck Nation Chronicle

Commentary on the Flux of Events

One of my pet theories in recent years is that the USA is trying like hell to become the Bulgaria of the West. The telephone companies seem to be leading the way. Last week, trying to firm up a lecture commitment, I attempted to get the telephone number for Mount Holyoke College. I called AT&T's directory assistance line for area code 413 (western Massachusetts).

"What town is this listing, sir?"

"Hell, I dunno. Holyoke, Springfield, something like that."

"Not showing anything for it, sir."

"It's somewhere in the 413 area, I promise you."

"Maybe so, but we need the exact town."

"This is a major institution: Mount Holyoke College."

"That may be, sir, but I can't get a listing without the name of the town it's in."

"You don't have a main reference database for the 413 area code?"

"No sir, it's just by town."

"You could put the whole goddam telephone directory of the United States on a single goddam Pentium Three home computer and cross reference it by town, zip-code, and mean annual rainfall."

"That may be, sir."

"But you can't get me the phone number of a major college in a dinky rural backwater of New England."

"We go by the name of the town."

I went through two layers of supervisors, and they could not find the number either.

Finally, I went to the Google search engine on the internet and typed in Mount Holyoke College. Three seconds later, a link to a website came up with the college's phone number on the home page. By the way, the name of the town was South Hadley. Like, I should have known. . . .

I went through a similar Chinese fire drill the next night, on the road in a hotel in Birmingham, Alabama. I attempted to use my AT &T calling card to call my wife back in upstate New York. AT&Ts automated call router kept sending me to "calling card verification" limbo. Eventually I managed to get a supervisor. She "straightened it all out" and placed the call for me (at an extra charge for the hands-on service). The automated router booted me back into "calling card verification" limbo. Meanwhile, the live supervisor had vamoosed. Finally, I complained loudly enough that another live supervisor 1.) stayed on the line while I was booted into "verification" limbo; 2.) got me out of it. 3.) placed the call to my wife, 4.) didn't attach a surcharge, and 5.) apologized for her company's moronic computer program. Length of transaction: 25 minutes. (Length of call to wife: eleven minutes.)